Hairy Mary Quite Contrary

Hairy Mary Quite Contrary

I have a beard

No, wait, I’m checking the dictionary definition of beard

“A growth of hair on the chin and lower cheeks of a man’s face”

Last time I checked I wasn’t a man. Try again. Google “what is female facial hair called”

Top answer starts with the words “Excessive or unwanted hair”

It appears there is no term to define what’s on my female face other than excessive or unwanted. In my case both are true cause I don’t want it and even if it was just 2 hairs (which it ain’t) it is excessive. Still, I am offended by this revelation as I’m sure there are many women who don’t give a hairy hoot about their fembeards and femoustaches

As a beauty therapist I spend approximately a fifth of my working week removing unwanted, I hate this word now, let’s call it superfluous hair from my fantastic clients faces. I’d like it to be known these women are fantastic when they arrive with hairy faces and are exactly the same amount of fantastic when they leave with bald faces

Why do we rid our faces of this hair? I know why I do and I listen to why other women do so am compelled to address this issue so you all know you are never alone in your thoughts. Here is my (un)-definitive list of reasons and why they are actually quite silly

1. It makes me feel manly – Well just stop being ridiculous, you are just as female with a fembeard. I know this because I watched you walk in for hair removal appt as a female and I watched you walk out with the exact same amount of femaleness

2. It’s gross – It’s not

3. My husband/boyfriend/partner/muppet teases me about it –       He’s an idiot, tweeze his stubble when he’s sleeping

4. My make up applies better – Ok, I hear you with this one but it is still lame

5. It makes me feel ugly – I don’t wish to trivialise this one. If you feel like this then I am sending you love today and hope you take a minute to gaze in the mirror and feel that love for the face, hairy or not, looking back at you

Have you read enough there to make you feel more human, less chewbacca?

On a serious note for a minute, it is important to address there are some medical reasons for excess facial hair growth in women and if you have any concerns you must visit your GP to get your wee ovaries checked. Promise me you will do this

Now that we have (hairy) faced and discussed this subject I’d like to present to you a few easy and relatively quick methods of facial hair removal in the event that, like me, you are a Hairy Mary Quite Contrary and although we realise it’s daft, we still want rid of the fluffing fluff

SHAVING – Works for beards on the male species and works for us too. Use a little electric lady tool for easiness or use foam and razor for the smoothest skin ever. Be aware this method causes a slight feeling of prickliness as the hair returns and may cause spots due to ingrown hairs but it will not cause the hair to grow back thicker and this is a perfectly acceptable form of female facial hair removal so do not feel bad about it 

TWEEZING – Requires patience and is only really effective for the thicker whiskers. I prefer this method for the odd hair only as I have no desire to look at my face in a magnifying mirror for any length of time and how laborious this is if you’re face is proper hairy 

WAXING – Can be done at home with a kit, not recommended as it took me 12 weeks to learn how to wax skin properly so let’s be honest, you don’t have a scooby what you’re doing. Do the right thing and visit a salon professional (helloooo) and discuss 

THREADING – An ancient technique that has recently increased in popularity. This is slightly gentler on the skin than waxing and effectively removes the hairs from the root giving an excellent result for up to 4 weeks

HAIR REMOVAL CREAMS – These genuinely freak me out. Too many chemicals on your delicate faces and I get freaked out at how weird it is when the hair just wipes off. If this works for you please comment and tell other readers how cause I just can’t recommend this method as I won’t use it myself 

DERMAPLANING – This must not be mistaken as a method of hair removal as it is, in fact, a facial treatment. A highly effective method of exfoliating the skin using a scalpel or blade which does have the added bonus of removing all facial hair. This is an expensive treatment. Don’t book in for this treatment for hair removal. Book it because you want to treat your skin to a super duper exfoliation 

ELECTROLYSIS AND IPL – More permanent methods of hair removal and becoming more popular due to the increased (read insane) need for us to have permanently bald faces. If you are insistent on bald for life then please research the salon and practitioner or ask for recommendations for these methods as you are going to be a helluva out of pocket 

HAIR GROWTH INHIBITORS – There are topical creams that can be supplied by your GP to inhibit facial hair growth. Also, to plug the new brand that I am about to partner with, DECIEM, there are products available to buy that do the same. INHIBITIF FACE SERUM is £17 and is proven to minimise hair regrowth, reduce the need for frequent hair removal, target ingrown hairs and hydrate the skin too. What a little beaut.

Deciem, The Chemistry Brand, Hair Growth Inhibitor £17

Phew, what a lot of info for a Friday morning. To conclude, my beautiful readers, hurr is thurr. We all have it. Keep it if you don’t care it’s there, remove it if you do care but either way make sure it is your choice based on what makes you happy and not cause some eejit tells you it’s not right. It is what you want it to be

Love to you and your peachy fuzziness











2 thoughts on “Hairy Mary Quite Contrary”

  • You always crack me up with your wonderful words miss LOB! I tweeze my stray chin hairs and have to
    admit to waxing my moostache… I get the makeup excuse is a bit lame but adding to hairy mcwhiskers
    with foundation just gives a thicker beige moustache and is doing me no favours at all 😂😂
    I have also carried out emergency hair removal cream but this never ends too well with wee some spots
    and frazzled ends….

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